LE TOUR DE MORT

In Yekaterinburg, the deathplace of the Romanovs, an equal parts grisly and gimmicky tourist industry has sprung up around the spots where Russia’s last royals were murdered and interred. Taking a cue from the callousness on display (the local KGB Bar serves a salmon dish called “An Unfortunate Event”), we arranged our guide to the town in the form of a bicycle tour. Tired of spending your summers cycling around Paris with a baguette bouncing jauntily in your handlebar basket? Pedal on over to E-burg, as the cool kids call it. Our handy itinerary has all the best places to plant your kickstand as you shop, eat and learn about the brutal execution of Tsar Nicholas II and his family. Pack a picnic basket!

The Church on Blood
43-a Ulitsa Karla Libknekhta
If the Church on Blood seems shinier than its neighbors, it’s because it was only completed in 2003. It stands on the site of the infamous Ipatiev house, where the tsar and his family were imprisoned and eventually shot in 1918. The house was declared a national monument in 1974 only to be torn down three years later by the regional director, one Boris Yeltsin; the powers that be were concerned that the house had become a cult attraction for monarchists.

The Mines at Four Brothers
Ganina Yama
If that beginning seemed more like the end of the tour, wrong: it’s time to track the royal remains. The bodies were initially dumped in this shallow mineshaft at Four Brothers, but they had to be relocated the next day after the locals got too curious. A monastery has since been built around the site, but the drop-off point remains untouched.

Koptyaki Road and Pig’s Meadow
Follow Koptyaki Road down from the monastery to discover the Romanovs’ final destination in Yekaterinburg.  While on the way to a new burial site from the Four Brothers, the cart carrying the bodies got stuck on a small bridge. After much head scratching, the assassins decided to bury the bodies right there, under the bridge. This, incidentally, was the last place anyone thought to dig, so the bodies weren’t  uncovered until the 1970s. Pig’s Meadow is an ideal spot for a picnic. As you nibble your buterbrod, be sure to contemplate the fate of young Alexei and his sister Marie, whose bodies were never found. (UPDATE)

Church on Blood souvenir shop
22 Ulitsa Tolmacheva
Now that you’ve developed an appreciation for the tragedy, swing back into town and buy some tasteful postcards of the open mineshaft were the bodies were dumped. Your friends will be so jealous.

KGB Bar
6 Ulitsa Voevodova
www.barkgb.ru
Stop by this local watering hole to write home about your spiritual journey. There’s no excuse for feeling depressed here; KGB Bar’s hammer-and-sickle-themed décor provides an uplifting reminder that Nicky and Co.’s deaths were mere speed bumps on the road to socialist paradise.