If you think Michael Phelps ripping the bong is an Olympic scandal, you are in for a treat. We couldn’t care less about Vancouver 2010, or London 2012, we’re talking Sochi 2014, baby. Russia’s Black Sea resort town has seen major upheaval — in every sense of the word — since its induction into the Olympic Hosts Club in 2007. But, even after a series of explosions left one person maimed, and a group of Greenpeace advocates and environmentalists went off about the environmental cost of hosting the Olympics there, not to mention that whole proximity-to-Georgia thing, Sochi 2014 is still a go. Let's take a look at some of the measures being implemented to ensure it will remain that way over the next five years.

To kick things off, Russia Today has good news for those recently laid off and panic stricken: Your troubles won’t put a damper on the festivities in 2014! RT expresses great relief that despite the nation's economic woes, funding for Sochi 2014 is going in the lock box. “Everything relating to the Olympic project is safeguarded by the budget,” Putin assures. What kind of budget are we talking, here? Oh, $12 billion. And let's not forget that just securing the right to host the Games took $460 in domestic sponsorship money, the largest deal of its kind in Olympic history. Considering the way everyone's bottom line looks now, we wonder if long-distance provider Rostelecom and mobile carrier MegaFon don't wish they could have a piece of that back.

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin and Dmitry Medvedev are getting ready by putting on their game faces and their most flattering casual ski bum outfits. How bourgeois.

Lest anyone try any funny stuff, a state-of-the-art Olympic security fence is currently in the planning phase. If installed, the fence will be “impossible to negotiate with a ladder” and terrifyingly sensitive to any unusual sounds or movements. All in all, a sure way to make the North Korean delegation feel at home.

And, this just in! Foreigners currently working on Olympic prep in Sochi: don’t worry if you get lost in the unfamiliar city. You’re being watched! From space, no less. A sophisticated transport monitoring system based on GLONASS, a navigational program developed by the Soviets, will keep an eagle eye on all those equipped with an accompanying tracking apparatus. The technology is being hyped as an invaluable safety device, but we’ll go ahead and say it’s okay to be afraid. Conspiracy theorists, take your mark.

From top: One Injured in Explosion in Southern Russian Resort [RIA Novosti]

Photo courtesy of sochi2014.com