You may recall a short scene from the 1995 film GoldenEye, starring Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, in which 007 travels to Russia to meet up with a bumbling CIA agent played by Joe Don Baker. While the agents talk, Baker bangs at a squat little blue vehicle with a sledgehammer to start the engine. “Nice car,” Bond sniffs. The American replies, “She’s an ugly little bitch, but she gets you there.” Little did Western viewers know that this “ugly little bitch” was one of the Soviet Union's most recognizable, loved, and ridiculed cars: the Zaporozhets.

In the wake of Russia’s early Space Race victories and in an effort to create a vehicle that would rival the VW Beetle, Krushchev ordered the construction of an affordable “people’s car.” Production began in 1958 at the Zaporozhets Automotive Factory (ZAZ) in Ukraine. The general secretary, who had just been humiliated in France when presented with a coupe too small to contain him, approved the small but sturdy Zaporozhets only after ascertaining that it could fit his large frame, albeit snugly. It sold well. Factory legend held that the head engineer, Vladimir Steshenko, based his pricing formula on the idea that the car should never cost more than 1,000 bottles of vodka. In addition to being cheap, the Zaporozhets was considered a sturdy match for Russia’s treacherous roads. Advocates insisted that it could blaze through fields, ravines, and rivers with ease. It was rumored (falsely) that the ZAZ engine was used as a starter motor for Soviet tanks.

But much like the leader who gave it his blessing, the Zaporozhets proved too temperamental to trust. It broke down frequently. The engine emitted a steady, hell-raising roar and had trouble with speeds over 80 miles per hour. Worst of all was the bonnet-loaded fuel tank that tended to explode in front-end collisions. People began to joke that the car never passed any of its safety tests because the test dummies ran away, terrified. But its ungainly shape and appearance were what truly made the Zaporozhets a national punchline. Shortened to "zapor," the name translated to “constipated.” It was alternately known as the “hunchback” for its trunk design, and “big-eared” for the side air vents that cooled the rear-installed engine. Poor little guy.

Production ceased at the ZAZ factory in 1994 and the Zaporozhets was replaced with a flashier model, the Tavria, which never seized the national imagination to the same extent. Hundreds of jokes and anecdotes about the Zaporozhets still abound, although most are not terribly funny, or at least do not translate well. I'll leave you with my personal favorite:

An Estonian, a Russian, and a German make a bet on whose car is best able to drive through shit. The Estonian takes a Porsche, but gets stuck. The German takes a Ferrari, and also gets stuck. The Russian takes a Zaporozhets, drives through the shit with flying colors, and declares, “Shit does not stick to shit!”

Images: Zaporozhets in the museum and in real life