Breaking news from Polit.ru. The headline: “Moscow lacks 100 public toilets.” Our response: juvenile snickering. But, unlike us, Moscow’s sanitary technicians are taking the issue very seriously. In fact— wait, Moscow has sanitary technicians?

While America's Santellis and Limbaughs try to create a populist upswell against Obama, the new face of idiotic Russian populism is a young, blond Putin-ite named Maria Sergeyeva. The 24-year-old blogger bounded onto the national stage last January with her fiery speech at a pro-Kremlin rally, telling crowds she was “certain” Prime Minister Putin and President Medvedev would “protect” her from the financial crisis. There's nothing particularly novel about her Nashi-esque positions, but when Sergeyeva says the Ukrainian-Russian gas dispute is an American plot, that foreign cars are Trojan Horses, or that the Central Asian immigrants should go home, people listen. Must be her delivery?

Aw. If it isn’t little Privatizatsia ("Privatization") and darling Viagra, two Russian newborns who stand almost no chance of leading happy childhoods thanks to the names bestowed upon them by their loving parents. In Soviet times, it was not unusual to have a friend named Stalina or an enemy named Ninel (read it backwards for a “come on” moment). In fact, early Bolsheviks were suckers for “Red Baptisms” which branded miserable young souls with names like Melor (acronym for “Marx Engels Lenin October Revolution”). Today, the Moscow registry office notes an increase in modern equivalents of politicized or otherwise attention-getting monikers. Patriotism is stimulus for a name like Kosmos ("Space"), of course, but there’s also the idea that a child named for a prescription boner drug will stand out next to a ho-hum Volodya or Katya, and profit for it. Might as well just name the kid “Opportunist” and be done with it.

Tori Spelling, American actress, jewelry designer, and daughter of Hollywood legend Aaron Spelling, is to be the new editor-in-chief of trend-setting lifestyle magazine RUSSIA!

Okay, some final thoughts on Friday’s “reset” fiasco in Geneva, where Hillary Clinton’s joke gift for Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov bombed due to a translation error. As the entire world has already reported, the secretary of state’s little red button bore the English word “reset” — a reference to comments Joe Biden made a month ago about pushing the “reset button” on U.S.-Russian relations — and what was supposed to be its Russian equivalent transliterated into Latin script. Normally, we would let something so highly covered die its already drawn-out death, but lo, we have an exclusive two cents to get off our chests. Ahem.

Meet Anastasia Prikhodko: registered shit-starter. Prikhodko has been chosen to represent Russia in the Eurovision Song Contest, to be held in Moscow this May. The thing is, Prikhodko is not Russian; she's Ukrainian. And her selection comes as an intense gas dispute has soured relations between her country and Russia. Like a true performer, Prikhodko didn't allow the controversy to faze her as she dominated the proceedings. She even wore heritage like a badge in the final round, choosing a song with a Ukrainian chorus. Will this be seen as a cultural olive branch or an act of treason? To the blogs, we say!

It's an exercise in synchronized absurdity: Two opposing law initiatives in Russia united in their assault on reason and free speech. The first, a government proposal to make denial of the Soviet victory in World War II a crime. The second, a proposal by the liberal Yabloko party to outlaw the glorification of Stalin and Bolshevism. Passing either would essentially fling open the door to thoughtcrime prosecution in Russia, heretofore merely ajar.

It’s not often we’re compelled to start a post with the word “Um,” but that about sums it up. Unless you’re web-surfing at a Rush Limbaugh Mardi Gras party, you might think twice before linking to a Julia Gorin comedy routine in public. On her website, Gorin describes herself as “among the most recognized names in conservative comedy”; she’s also author of the book Clintonisms: The Amusing, Confusing, and Even Suspect Musing, of Billary, and an active op-ed contributor to The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Jewish World Review. No, Gorin’s not the first to link an Obama administration with both communism and terrorism, though she claims to have coined the term “Communislam.” But hey, we’re not Politico here; we’re telling you all this because she’s originally from the former Soviet Union, and she often works the whole “Russian” bit into her multi-phobic shtick. Thanks for contributing to the stereotype of the racially prejudiced, if not altogether jaw-droppingly clueless Russian, Ms. Gorin. As if we don’t have enough to deal with already.

One month ago we told you about a key piece of evidence in the murder case of Kremlin critic and human rights journalist Anna Politkovskaya: a video presentation allegedly containing footage of Politkovskaya’s assassin. The trouble then was that the video "went missing" and the trial was put on hold while somebody looked around for a copy. According to British newspaper The Guardian, however, the video itself is as baffling as the fact that it had been “misplaced.” For one thing, it shows a confident assassin entering Politkovskaya’s secured apartment building wearing one cap, and exiting in another. And that’s just a taste of the sloppy and bewildering trial proceedings, which famously ended February 19 with the unanimous acquittal of the three men accused of aiding in the assassination. Reportedly, even Politkovskaya’s children felt that given the “fiasco” of the court procedures, a guilty verdict was inconceivable.

Every year, millions of girls are forced to make the awful choice between being a physicist or being a beauty queen. Thankfully, in Russia, where nuclear energy sector employees can compete in their own web-based beauty pageant, it’s possible to be both. Each year since 2004, industry women of the former Soviet Union ages 18 to 35 are urged to submit their photos and fill out a questionnaire describing their interests (i.e. “fitness, neutron monitors and teasing my bangs”) in hopes of becoming the next Miss Atom. An IQ test isn’t necessary to enter as, according to official contest guidelines, “It’s quite obvious what [kind of] IQ a nuclear-employed person must have.” Yes, but who are the brains behind this operation?

More than a decade ago, Igor Panarin, current Dean of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs at Moscow’s Diplomatic Academy, launched what would become a series of increasingly entertaining predictions about the imminent dissolution of the United States. It wasn’t until the current financial crisis, however, that Panarin’s conjectures gained a touch more relevance and, therefore, more airtime. Unsurprisingly, Russian state media are all over the guy, but Panarin’s name has also garnered celebrity in the West thanks to the likes of Fox News and The Wall Street Journal, who apparently get a kick out of fueling those cold, cold flames. And who can blame them? So this Tuesday, apparently operating on the no-publicity-is-bad-publicity principle, the Russians invited the Associated Press and other foreign media outlets to feast on Panarin’s latest thoughts.

Mustachioed darling of the Moscow fashion world Denis Simachev is famous for juxtaposing Russian folklore with couture flippancy. Hence his trademark “Putin’s face framed by a stitched garland” t-shirt. But for his Spring/Summer ’09 fashion line, Simachev is laying off the khohloma floral prints he's relied on for years, and tapping into another Russian tradition — substance abuse.

Russian first lady Svetlana Medvedeva has been named the most successful businesswoman in Russia, according to a poll conducted by a shadowy organization called the Institute of Politics and Business. And if that weren't eyebrow-raising enough, now we find out that the "first dogs" — two English setters named Joly and Daniel — just claimed first-place titles at the Eurasia-2009 dog show in Moscow. Meanwhile, Aldu, the Medvedevs' golden retriever, won a silver. Only silver? Aldu, you've let us all down.

When Georgia made a thinly-veiled anti-Putin disco act its official Eurovision candidate last month, we knew there was a cat fight coming. We weren't disappointed. Celebrities and ordinary Russians alike are expressing their outrage over the song "We Don't Wanna Put In," and there's surely more scratching to come.

Russia already has its share of Sex and the City corollaries. First there was the dubbed U.S. original (translated as "Sex in the Big City"). Then came The Balzac Age [Бальзаковский Возраст], a show about four women who dissect each other's love lives at Moscow's banyas and cafes. And now they're bending the genre with Love in the Big City [Любовь в большом городе], a film about a trio of horny Russian guys living in New York. The trailer kicks off with doppelgängers of Carrie Bradshaw and Co. strolling through Central Park as the three protagonists jog by in silly windbreakers. Cue the pervy voice-over.